COMMENDATION IS AN ART, MASTER IT
Femi Adekunle on Parenting
Praise motivates, and inspires performance. We should not hold back on showering commendation when the children put up sterling performance. When we give compliments, commendation and appreciation, people want to re-enact the experience by repeating the performance. It is as much true of adults as of children.
However, when it comes to parenting, there are flaws in the way we administer commendation. We seem to appraise children only from the lenses of our expectation rather than for the substance of their performance, whatever it is. Let me explain. For parents who are academically inclined, all we want to see them do is perform academically.
I was a poor mathematics student. It was an endless misery as long as I had to face that subject. It was not just my poverty of the knowledge of that subject that was the issue, it was also the fact that I was almost entirely judged by it. Happily, the story changed and my parents became so proud of me on other fronts.
For parents who are accomplished sportspersons, there is a tendency to want their children to tow their line. Failure to excel the way they did, they mount pressure on their children. For parents who have succeeded in the corporate space, there’s a default tacit assumption that their children will inherit their board seats and carry on the corporate ‘family legacy’, even when they are not cut out for the boardroom.
Can you for once look at the entire spectrum of your child’s life and commend them for even those infinitesimal accomplishments outside your stereotyped expectation? Can you commend them for doing the dishes so well, keeping their room clean without reminders, mopping the floor on their own initiative, being courteous to an elder, a visitor or even their friend in school, or being kind to a stranger?
You must learn to administer commendation that is robust. It is an art and you must master it.
We seem to appraise children only from the lenses of our expectation rather than for the substance of their performance…. You must learn to administer commendation that is robust.
‘ *Femi Adekunle,* a Parenting and Family Coach, writes from Abuja, Nigeria.
Email: femi383@gmail.com
WhatsApp: 08055103512
17th July, 2026
